Remembrances

A few days ago I was sitting alone with Warren reading a journal I have been trying to keep for him and reminiscing about my pregnancy, his birth and these last few months when a sweet and to me scared memory was recalled to me. I feel like I need to get it out and Thank my Father in Heaven for it, and since this is part of my journal I am posting it here.

Zack and I had been trying to have a baby for what felt like an eternity to us, but in reality it was just about 3 1/2 short years. I had seen so many friends and family experiencing the joy of pregnancy, becoming parents and raising families and though I was very happy for them it was a heart wrenching time. Don't get me wrong I had some amazing times with Zack while it was just the two of us, but out hearts would ache for the child that we wanted and we did not always understand why we were not able to conceive. Looking back I am grateful that Zack and I had almost five years together just the two of us, to grow, learn and experience life together. I am better prepared to me a mother to Warren and juggle the life that we have created for ourselves than I would have been when we thought we were ready for a child, which is now just over 4 years ago. (Not that I really felt prepared at all, or do on most days, but I have a better sense of what I want from life and I am not letting myself stray from the goals we have set for our family like I would have 4 years ago. Especially FINISHING school!)

The memory that I recalled was from April 11th, 2010. Zack and I were in California in my sister-in-law and brother-in-law's ward. They had just had their dear sweet girl sealed to them for Time and All Eternity in the Newport Beach Temple and we were attending church with them where their new son would receive a name and a blessing from his father. The hymns that were sung that day changed my life and I can still feel the emotions and peace that came over me while singing those scared hymns. The line that I remembered so clearly the other day was "His voice is heard ye shall obtain" and "through him I'll gain my fondest dreams." As I sat there in the chapel of our church I received the knowledge that I would gain my fondest dream, that my Heavenly Father knew me and knew that I wanted to be a mother. I just needed to wait until the time was right. At that time I did not know when that would be, I honestly figured it would be years down the road after much more heartache and longing. But I felt peace that my hopes and dreams would come true. I would obtain what I wanted most in life. The peace I felt that day carried me through some hard days that laid ahead for me and Zack. Just because I had felt that peace and knew I would be a mother did not mean my heart stopped aching. Father's day 2010 was an especially hard day for my little family even though I had this experience two months before. Knowledge does not always make the pain and sorrow go away but it can help make things easier to bear and that is what this knowledge did for me.

When I learned that I was pregnant in August 2010, I did not remember this experience. I was just in shock and awe. But now I can look back and realize that my Father in Heaven knew me and that Sunday in April He was letting me know that I was not forgotten. He was reminding me of the love He has for me and was teaching me to be patient and trust in Him, to have faith in His plan and to enjoy life. I am very grateful for the experience that let me know I would be a mother one day. That one day came sooner that I would have ever thought, especially as I sat there in sacrament meeting in tears being taught and comforted. Almost 4 months to the day of this experience I thought that I might be pregnant but discounted the thought. Yet I was and this experience helped prepare me for what was and is to lie ahead.

Personal revelation does exist and can bring great comfort and peace into our lives if we but open our hearts and minds to the Spirit. We are beloved sons and daughters of a Heavenly Father who wants us to be happy and obtain our fondest dreams. Sometimes to achieve these dreams we have to let go of ourselves and submit to the will of the Father. That is what I feel happened to me last year. I tried to let go of myself and my sorrows and enjoy what my life held at that time.