I'll Stand Back Up

Today I have been feeling battered, bruised, broken, not physically but emotionally, spiritually. I had a hard week and felt like a failure as a parent, lacking patience, creativity, and good homemaking skills. I have been lacking in my personal scripture study and prayer, and was not connected to the Spirit like I would like, and should be. Today as I was driving home from a primary presidency meeting where we had some great discussions about how we were doing, and my sweet sisters listened to me pour out my aching, frustrated heart to them, I received inspiration I needed. It did not come to me through a scripture, or hymn but the lyrics of a song from one of my favorite bands.  As I was driving with tears streaming down my face,  I knew Satan was working on getting me down. He wants me to notice ALL my faults, every little thing I do wrong and remind me that I am not as pretty, not as organized, not as patient as so and so, that I am not good enough, that my Heavenly  Father is denying me blessings, denying me the righteous desires of my heart because I am not enough, that I have not been good enough. Deep down I know these thought are not true, but I have allowed myself to entertain  those thoughts, not really quite believe them but entertain them. Well today I am here to say, I'll stand back up! I may have had a bad few days, maybe longer but this trial won't  keep me down. I will learn from it, move forward, doing my best to trust in the Lord, His timing, knowing that He loves me, and that those thoughts do not come from Him.  So...
"Go ahead and take your best shot,
Let 'er rip, give it all you've got,
I'm laid out on the floor, but I've been here before,
I may stumble, yeah I might fall,
Only human aren't we all?
I might lose my way, but hear me when I say,

I will stand back up,
You'll know just the moment when I've had enough,
Sometimes I'm afraid, and I don't feel that tough,
But I'll stand back up,

I've been beaten up and bruised,
I've been kicked right off my shoes,
Been down on my knees more times than you'd believe,
When the darkness tries to get me,
There's a light that just won't let me,
It might take my pride, and my tears may fill my eyes,
But I'll stand back up,

I've weathered all these storms,
But I just turn them into wind, so I can fly,
What don't kill you makes you stronger,
When I take my last breath,
That's when I'll just give up,

So, go ahead and take your best shot,
Let 'er rip, give it all you've got,
You might win this round but you can't keep me down,

'Cause I'll stand back up,
And you'll know just the moment when I've had enough,
Sometimes I'm afraid and I don't feel that tough,
But I'll stand back up,

You'll know just the moment when I've had enough,
Sometimes I'm afraid and I don't feel that tough,
But I'll stand back up. " ~Sugarland

I am so thankful for those words ringing in my ears, that I will stand back up, that I will take what's  hard and use it to learn from. I will stand back up because of  my  Savior. Because, with Him strengthing me I can be triumphant. I do not have to let trials define me, or my happiness. I can rely on Him and He will make me more than I am. He will make all things right. I can choose to  be happy though my heart longs for things that seem unreachable, I have no time line to know if my small family will expand as we desire but I know that through the dark times and the happy times I will stand back up, I won't quit, I may have dark days, I may stumble and fall but I refuse to throw in the towel and be done, I refuse to live unhappy.  I choose to find happiness in my situation. And, most days I am really happy. It's okay that things are not going according to my plan because His plan is teaching me much more. Refining me, humbling me, and brining me closer to Him, and that is a better plan. I know a few things for sure, life is tough, but it is meant to be enjoyed, we have a Savior who loves us, who has felt our joys, our sorrows, our pain, who will help is overcome and become more than we once were. I also know that I choose to be happy, and I choose to be grateful for what I do have and that in all things there is oppostion;that we may learn good from evil, experience sadness to know joy, and that everything works together for our good. Without my trials I would not have learned all that I now know. I also know that I will experience more trials, harships, sadness, but I will also experience much more joy, excitement and grow in truth and light. I will take the hard times, the good times and use them as the song says, as wind to fly high

Easter

I love Easter, there are so many fun traditions we have as a family but even more so I love reflecting on my Savior and His atonement and resurrection, and what that means for mankind.  We have some fun family traditions for Easter with my family and we were able to participate in them this year but we also were alone just our small family of three for Easter this year. We were spontaneous and created some amazing memories and started some new family traditions that I am eager and excited to continue in the future. We did not have a fancy dinner, I thought I would make one but we ended up not following through with it, maybe next year.

After church we found a park that overlooks the Logan Temple and we were able to take some pictures with the temple in the background. This did not come without some frustration and mini tantrums on my part, I need to work on that. But, looking back I love that Zack was patient with me and the situation and that we now have these photos.

Later that evening we decided to take Warren somewhere besides our house to have an Easter Egg Hunt. I wanted it just to be our little family and I wanted to have it somewhere besides our house. We started driving thought about a park, then decided against it and thought OH the canyon, we could stop at a campground and have the Easter Egg Hunt there. Then Warren fell asleep  in the canyon and we just kept driving.Once Warren woke up we were almost to Bear Lake so we thought why not have the Easter Egg hunt on the beach. Zack hid the eggs and a few small things while I tried to keep Warren from peeking in the car and then we let him find what was hidden.  It was an awesome experience!!! We all loved it, we had the beach to ourselves, and some of the eggs were hard to find because they blended in with the natural surroundings. It was cold, the wind was blowing, and Warren was in shorts since this was not planned, so we didn't stay long but we loved the time we had there. I think we will start having our Easter Egg Hunts in random places, that will be a new family tradition.

Logan has a tradition, I am not sure when or how  it started but, people fling or roll eggs down Old Main Hill at USU. I thought okay we are living in Logan right now so we might as well participate in the tradition. So on the way home from Bear Lake we stopped at Old Main and Warren threw his eggs down the hill. It was getting dark and we only brought a few eggs but it was an experience. There had been tons of people there earlier in the day as apparent by the mounds of egg cartons in the trash and egg shells scattered on Old Main. I don't understand the tradition but we can say we crossed it off our Cache Valley Bucket List. After rolling or flinging eggs off Old Main we walked around campus for a little bit as the sun set. It was gorgeous. I love that campus and want to start walking there on Sunday evenings.

Overall I would say our Easter was a success, we spend the week before Easter reading about Christ's last week and tried to read from the scriptures what he did each day before his death and resurrection.  I am looking forward to incorporating more of this next year to deepen our understanding of our Savior and His life, death and what it means to us personally. I am also excited to incorporate our new family traditions to strengthen our family relationships and make new memories.

My two favorite boys.

I love this smiley happy boy of mine.

Me and my eternal sweetheart.

He is getting so big so quickly.

Families are forever!

Daddy hiding eggs on the beach.

Starting to search for eggs. 

Even in the cold he was a good sport.

Dad helping Warren find a trickier egg that was hidden like pirate's treasure with an "x" marks the spot.

Family selfies

Getting ready to fling an egg down Old Main Hill.

Warren's Easter Basket that he has had since his first Easter when he was only four days old. We  put in a few pieces of candy, jerky (because he LOVES it,seriously) and a new sweater vest for church.